It’s the most wonderful time of the year: the time of year where you can watch Love Actually as much as you want without people rudely saying, “Maddie why would you watch a Christmas movie on a monthly basis you have a problem?”
As an avid watcher of the film, I have a lot of opinions on it. And so here goes my ranking of all the many plot lines in the story. The thought process behind this is very thorough and scientific, so don’t even try to argue with me on it.
9. Colin and the American Girls
Colin is SO gross and creepy and even though I have seen this movie 100 times he makes his weird flirting noises I am uncomfortable every time. You so want Colin to fail in his efforts of going to America JUST to get laid, but he wins! All these hot girls like him and it’s just ????????? He comes in last by a LANDSLIDE.
8. Sarah and Karl
Now that we have stupid Colin Frissell out of the way, I (actually) love all of the rest of the stories. Sarah and Karl hold a special place in my heart, but still come in to second to last because Sarah’s ringtone is now a trigger for me. Whenever I hear someone with a remotely similar tone in public my heart stops. And I have to fight the urge to scream, “Don’t pick it up! Just kiss Karl! Oh my god Laura Linney you kill me!”
7. John and Judy
This plot is brilliant on so many levels. The contrast of their jobs as stand-ins for either tons of sex scenes or a straight up porn to how sweet and gentle they are is hilarious. Watching them evolve is just so adorable. But I really want to show this movie to my Grandma, and this is the only reason why I haven’t. So sorry loves.
6. Billy Mack and Joe
This plot doesn’t have worlds of substance, but it is absolutely hilarious. The Christmas is All Around song is perfection. Bill Nighy is superb at being a washed up rock star. It’s just some good fun.
5. The Mia, Harry, and Karen Love Triangle
I know, I hate me too for not having this higher on the list. Emma Thompson is just a wonder in the scene where she cries to Joni Mitchell, and she should get a trophy for Mom of the year. But it’s so SAD. I mean I don’t want to see a sad Emma Thompson, I want her to be happy always! And it is a strong story, but I’m biased purely because it isn’t as happy as the ones that follow.
4. The Peter, Juliet, and Mark Love Triangle
I know I know I know I know this story has its problems and he’s kind of a stalker and it’s weird that she’s his best friend’s wife I know I know I KNOW. But the signs!! Truly so iconic. Brings on the feels every time, even though I should know better.
3. Jamie and Aurelia
ARE YOU READY. Welcome to the top three. Now that we’ve made it here, it’s been hard for me to decide how to rank these top three, but I think I got it right.
Don’t you want to wake up and realize that Colin Firth learned another language for you? I DO. And here it’s a real thing. The way we see how in sync they are even though they can’t verbally communicate. And their cute drives together. Kill me, just kill me! Everything about this is perfect.
2. Natalie and David
I have been told that I am similar to Natalie and I don’t necessarily enjoy that but I don’t disagree with it either. But I mean also wow this is some great content. Hugh Grant is his bumbling charming self, but also the Prime Minister. Natalie is sort of shy but obviously likes him and again just wow. It’s so cute. When she swears in front of him. When they have an octopus stuck between them in a car. Relatable. Wonderful. A+
1. Sam and Daniel/Sam and Johanna
Here it is. The king of it all. The best, most heart-warming part of the most heart-warming film the world has ever produced. Sam is the cutest little kid in the entire world and if I ever have a son I am giving them up for adoption unless they are exactly like him. The complete distress he feels from being so sure that he’s in love, and Daniel never questioning it and helping him out is a great relationship on its own. But it really is the relationship that they are aiming for that makes it worth while.
He learns drums for Joanna, he plays in the Christmas show for Joanna, and the airport scene! THE AIRPORT SCENE! It is like having happiness injected in your veins. There is nothing sweeter, purer, but also more exhilarating. It is probably my favorite film scene of all time. Pure magic.